First of all, sorry for my blog sabbatical. It's been FOREVER since I last posted. I'm not only posting for those of you who enjoy my blogs, but as a personal release. Sometimes writing how you feel makes all the difference, so that's what I'm hoping for with this one.
A quick recap of the last few months... Emerald Cup was awesome! I was happy with my placing. I wasn't sure what to expect going in to such a big show. The prep leading up to Emerald was a struggle to say the least. We've had a lot of "life" circumstances throwing us curve balls. Many times I was ready to throw in the towel. It was just bad timing, and made the journey difficult and added a lot more stress. BUT, I went through with it. I am so glad I did. It was an amazing experience. If I would have thrown in the towel I would have had a big regret weighing on my shoulders and felt like a failure. Honestly, I know it wouldn't have made me a failure, and it would have been a justifiable reason to put competing on hold for a bit. I don't like to quit though, I didn't want to let anyone down (myself included), and I had to prove to myself I had the strength and determination to proceed. With the help and encouragement of my amazing husband, our families, friends, and supporters cheering us on, we were able to succeed.
I feel the contest prep process is such a HUGE learning experience, whether it be good or bad, there are always lessons learned. Mostly you learn about yourself, but you also learn about others and life. Anyone that can follow through with the contest prep journey...well, props to you! It's a crazy ride, but if you're on it you gotta love it! We're not crazy, WE'RE ATHLETES. (maybe we are crazy athletes?)
So here is a piece of contest prep honesty along with some other revealing traits about myself I tend to keep to myself (and I'm currently speaking from a very emotional state, probably due to lack of sleep. I hope I don't regret this later): My greatest weakness is confidence. I'm never good enough for me, and if I am good enough I don't see it. Contest prep makes one quite emotional at times, and probably even harder on yourself than you were to begin with. I know you other competitors can relate. It's not all mental either. Our bodies are going through physiological changes that literally have an impact on our hormones.
One minute I will be feeling awesome, excited, proud, strong, confident...and then the next day, sometimes even the next hour, I'm over it. All self-esteem is out the window. Like today I look at myself and think how can one possibly work so hard, train my ass off, eat a super strict diet, and look like just another thin, maybe kind of fit person. That may make some people happy, but I work to flippin hard to look average. Now, if you would have asked me yesterday how I felt you would have got a much different response. Yesterday I had an amazing workout. I was feeling great about this next show. I was loving seeing those pumped up muscles. I was PUMPED (literally and metaphorically)!
It's so easy to look at yourself and immediately find all the things that are wrong or not good enough. I see myself as a very optimistic person and try to always be thankful for and focus on the infinite good things in life. Why can we appreciate and recognize all the good everywhere else but lack that when it comes to ourselves? On days like today I just have to remind myself, PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION! When I take a more realistic approach, I see the progress. Do I always think it's good enough? Not necessarily, but it's progress nonetheless.
The Oregon Iron Man is in 11 days. It's the last show of the season, and a great one. I am looking forward to a break after. Don't get me wrong though, I am REALLY excited and I LOVE this sport and this life. I love the relationships and friendships that I have made. I'm excited to see my teammates/clients get up on that stage looking so AMAZING. I will keep competing and pursuing my dreams. I hope I can help others do the same. We all have a rough day now and then. Today happens to be one of mine. The things in life that mean the most are the ones you have worked the hardest for. It's not easy, but well worth it.
Thanks for letting me vent and share with you a little about myself (as I finish up this blog I sit here cringing, asking myself should I really post this?). If you are reading it I guess you know the answer. I'll try not to wait so long for the next one. Time to get my butt to the gym and hopefully enjoy some of this awesome weather. Peace :)
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